Post #11 - 2 Months...

I woke up pretty early today because I had to take Ma to the hospital for her 8:30am appointment. I was more than happy to take her, but while I was watching her undergo a test to get her heart checked, I started thinking about how Dada-Ji had a heartattack when I was younger (early 90s), how Ma just had one last year, and how Mama passed away from one...

I was flipping through the channels a couple of days ago when I came across the movie "Stepmom." That movie is always on TV! I remember going to the theatres with Masi, Mami-Ji, and Monica to watch it a few Christmases ago and how much I loved it. Anyways, while I was watching it this time, I thought about how sad it was that the mom in the movie was dying, but at the same time how fortunate she was to know in advance that she was sick because she could spend her last few months alive with her kids. Then I got a bit angry because I thought about Mama and how he didn't know he was sick. Life's so not fair like that! Why are people taken away from us so suddenly?

It's weird because I think about one thing a lot: WHAT IF WE HAD KNOWN? For example, what if we had known at Jasmin's birthday party that Mama had less than 4 months to go? I understand his heartattack couldn't have been prevented when it occurred, but what if we had known just a few months earlier that his heart wasn't doing so well? Would it have made a difference? It's really hard to say because I guess once the damage is done, you can't really reverse it. But then I think about how far modern medicine has gone and how a surgery could've fixed him right up. It could've right? I'm not sure...

And what astonishes me the most is that I always thought Mama was pretty healthy, so how could this have happened? I mean I have a clear memory from when I was a kid where I was standing in the kitchen of the New Westminster house and Mama was cutting a cantaloupe in half so that he could eat it with a spoon. That sounds like healthy eating to me. He was a golf fanatic (that's why we made him that golf/Turtles basket this Christmas...), so he was fairly active too. Not to mention that he had a membership at the YMCA. I guess what happened really was unpredictable because I can't wrap my head around it all.

Everyone has their "WHAT IF" moments. Jason's last post shows his. I know none of us should think that way, but sometimes it's hard not to. How can you not look back and think about how things could've been different? I guess that's why they say hindsight is always 20/20...

I read a quote just last week and I wanted to share it with you guys. It goes: "LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR TODAY BECAUSE TOMORROW MAY NEVER COME." Isn't that the truth? I think it's important that we all stress LESS about the things that don't matter as much as we sometimes think they do. I know that I'm definitely going to stress less about school. And I also thought if I knew I had one day left to live, who would I want to spend it with? Think about it for yourselves. Got the answer? Now make a promise to yourselves to tell those people how much they mean to you because you can never say it enough...

Mama:

Yesterday it became 2 months since you left us...and it's been the worst 2 months imaginable for so many of us. Today I was with Ma and we were going to head over to Sukhi guys' house. We made a phonecall to Auntie-Ji to tell her that we were coming over, but then Ma turned to me after she hung up and said she couldn't do it. She couldn't be in that house because that's where everything had happened and I completely understood. Mourning takes time and quite frankly, sometimes it never really ends, but I hope that you're proud of how strong we've all been up until now...especially Mami-Ji. Her strength amazes me everyday and if I can aspire to be half of the person she is, I know I'll lead a good life. That I'm sure of.

I hate the fact that I didn't get to spend enough time with you in the past, but what I hate even more is that I can't spend any time at all with you in the future. I'm going to miss you on the day I graduate from university, on the day I get married, and every other day in between...but I know that while you were here, I was blessed to have been able to call you my Mama...

Love Karen