So yesterday before the Akand Path at our house, I decided to quickly check my e-mail and I saw one from a friend of mine who goes to SFU with me. It said it was sent around 2am, so I read it right away wondering why she had e-mailed so late. Upon reading it, I discovered that her mom passed away on Friday from cancer. It came as a shock to me because just this past summer she had said her mom had been in remission for quite some time and was doing really well. In fact, my friend's whole family was busy planning her older brother's wedding in India, which was to happen in the Fall.
I guess I was also a bit surprised that my friend e-mailed me because I hadn't talked to her in months...not even after she had come back from India. We're good friends because we've had a few classes together, but we're not very close simply because we haven't gotten the opportunity to hang out together outside of school. I remember we had a class together this past summer at the SFU Surrey campus. Just a week or so after I had gone back to school in July after everything happened with Mama, I was visibly upset (that was the same day I called Mami-Ji) and my friend was very comforting...she's a sweetheart like that. After thinking back to that, I realized that now my friend was seeking the same sort of comfort for her own grief. Even though I wasn't sure about attending the funeral, I thought that perhaps I should go because she had only asked a handful of her friends to come. I mean how could I not go and offer my support? If she needed me there then she needed me there.
Another reason I decided to attend her mom's funeral was because one of my own close friends didn't attend Mama's funeral and I remember that it upset me somewhat. She had simply stated that she couldn't come because she didn't feel "comfortable," but the way I looked at it was that she was being slightly selfish. After all, it wasn't about her - it was about her being there for me. It's one thing to feel uncomfortable, but it's another thing to put all that aside and be supportive. You might think I'm being a bit harsh, but I think during times like that you realize who your true friends really are.
Anyways, so today I got ready to go. Another friend and I decided to go together - she would drive because I was on the way. She asked me to print out directions off MapQuest. I asked Bhabi where we would be heading and I showed her the map. That's when she told me it was the same place we had gone in July for Mama. Honestly, that alone gave me a lot of second thoughts about whether I could handle being there again......but in the end I went.
Pulling up to the parking lot was hard enough as is. Deja vu. Everything came back to me. When we walked into the funeral hall, I went through the exact same doors. The tables were set up in the exact same way. The only difference now was that both funeral halls weren't booked - just one. As soon as we sat down and I saw my friend in the very front, the tears came. They were a mix of my own grief over losing Mama and for her. I mean it was her mom - how could anyone ever take that place in her life? I remember telling her to call me if she needed anything...and to hold her memories of her mom close to her heart. That on every big day of her life, her mom would be looking down on her - beaming with pride......that's what I envision Mama doing with all of us.
As the funeral began, so many things from July came back to me. I remembered sitting with Aneil...then moving and sitting with Ajay on my lap...the roses we brought, one of which was for my mom to give to Mama...the speeches....Arjan's voice breaking off at the end of his speech...Harinder's incredible stength and composure...Roger standing in front of me when we walked in and kissing Mama's forehead, which caused Mami-Ji to break down completely...the Ardaas...packing up the flowers to take to Kim's house............I usually try to block that day out, but today I couldn't.
All in all, today was definitely emotional. During this funeral, my friend's dad got up and made a speech. He mentioned that when he first met his wife, he told her about a Hindi song she reminded him of. During all the years they were married, he refused to sing that song until his wife's 50th birthday last year when his daughter (my friend) convinced him to do it. Today he sang it again...for the last time.
It really is true what they say...you don't know how something feels until you've experienced it firsthand. I think my friend sought comfort in me today because I've dealt with loss. I hope that she can find some way to deal with her own enormous loss and if she ever needs someone to lean on, I'm here for her. It's almost as if we're both in some sort of club together. A club informally called "we lost someone we loved dearly and now we miss them so much." It's a club that I wish I wasn't a member of...but unfortunately, I am. And so are you.
xoxo Karen
